November 7, 2007
A highly respected Extension Specialist, Dr. Sam Quick, authored the following article prior to his retirement. If the topic is pertinent to you, it will be worth your time to consider his thoughts.
When a loved one has died recently, the holidays can be challenging, particularly during the first few years. Everywhere you turn sights and sounds and smells are likely to trigger memories of times spent with your beloved family member or friend. In addition to fond remembrances, you may feel depressed or encounter waves of terrible loneliness.
Be gentle, accepting, and kind to yourself. Remember to honor your personal sense of how best to handle family celebrations and special holiday events. Talking with a trusted family member or friend can help you clarify your thoughts and feelings.
It’s usually best to plan ahead. As a general rule, even early in your bereavement, you’ll benefit from joining family and friends on days of special celebration. Of course, there are exceptions, and only you can know what is best in your particular circumstances.
You may wish to decline some holiday invitations or perhaps stay at an event for a briefer than normal period. Because of your grief, your energy level is likely to be lower than normal. So pace yourself accordingly, and take advantage of opportunities for a little extra rest.
Avoid staying overly busy. Give yourself some space so that you can more easily respond to the wisdom of your body, mind and spirit. Ignoring your grief won’t make it go away. Allow your feelings to be whatever they are, and remember that it’s good to reach out and share your thoughts and emotions with those who understand. Speak candidly and use the name of the person who died in your holiday conversation. Don’t be surprised if your sadness alternates with times of laughter and holiday memories. This too is normal and healthy.
If the memories of your loved one are tinged with resentment, if the death was violent, or if he or she committed suicide, you may find yourself dealing with some very hard to handle emotions. These emotions can make you feel like you have run into a brick wall at full speed. Without warning, they can flare up and overwhelm you, and if not dealt with, they can hinder your healing and growth.
When difficult emotions arise, allow them, feel them, learn from them; but remember that you are still in charge. When you do not let negative emotions dominate you, you grow in strength and wisdom. Just as the muscles of the body grow from lifting weights, you grow emotionally as you push through heavy emotions, struggling to accept, understand and release them.
Keep in mind the enormous healing power of forgiveness. Each of us requires forgiveness at various points in our lives. Without it we cannot thrive. Forgiveness does not condone hurtful behavior, but it does free us from self-defeating resentment. And it does bring peace of mind, freedom of spirit, and an opportunity to make fresh starts. Consider extending the gift of forgiveness to others and to yourself.
As the years go by, your pain will soften while the fond memories of your loved one will comfort you and cheer you on. In that sense, you will take the best of the past into the future with you. The healing that comes as you go through your grief brings learning, growth and renewal, but the memories of your loved one will always live in your heart. Healing does not mean forgetting.
Educational programs of the Kentucky Cooperative Extension Service serve all people regardless of race, color, age, sex, religion, disability or national origin.
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